Click Go the Shears
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Magneto's latest attempts to establish order are shattered as the Acolytes perform their version of an iconic, cultural classic.


**Note: This story takes place before my story "Mutant Histeria".**

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**Click Go the Shears**

"Ahhh," Magneto sighed in satisfaction as he strode out of his private office. "What a day." He allowed himself a rare smile before heading down the hallway. "I can't remember the last time I've gotten so much work done. My finances are balanced, the base has been resupplied, all my reports have been filed and my latest batch of experiments is a success. I even managed to tap into a few satellites and siphon off all that data from SHIELD. And all without being interrupted! Things are finally quieting down and without anything abnormal happening around here."

BAAAAAAH!

A large wooly sheep appeared in an intersection and ran down the hallway.

"I really should know better than to say things like that," Magneto groaned. "Maybe I'll get lucky and that was just a delusion brought on by being overworked."

BAAAAAAH!

Two more sheep ran by. One of which seemed to be bright blue.

"It's not a delusion," Magneto moaned as he arrived at the intersection. He looked around and noticed a pink sheep skittering out the open door of Storage Room Two. "Oh geeze, what kind of sick, twisted amusements are those lunatics up to **this** time?" He braced himself before entering the room. "I knew it was only a matter of time before they ended up doing something completely disgusting...WHAT THE DEVIL?!"

BAAAAAAAAAH!

The storage room was literally packed to the sides with sheep. Dozens of sheep milled around bleating while exploring the room's contents. Many of the sheep had brightly colored wool. On one side of the room stood a wide, raised platform separated from the sheep by a makeshift gated fence. Standing on the platform, each bent over a sheep, were Remy, Piotr and Pyro.

"Ha!" Remy grinned while sweating over his sheep. "I've got you beat this time Pyro!"

"In your dreams Gambit!" Pyro cackled working quickly. "I'll never be caught up to!"

"Not if I can help it!" Piotr declared.

"WHAT IN THE BLUE BLAZES IS GOING ON HERE?!" Magneto roared over the din of bleatings. "WHY ARE ALL THESE SHEEP IN MY BASE?!"

"Oh, hey Mags," Remy said looking up.

"DON'T 'HEY' ME YOU IDIOT! AND DON'T CALL ME MAGS!" Magneto yelled at him. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU FOOLS DOING?!"

"We're having sheep shearing races!" Pyro chirped happily.

"Sheep **what?!**" Magneto gawked at them.

"Sheep shearing races," Pyro repeated holding up a pair of blade shears. "You know, trying to shear the most sheep in the least amount of time."

"And for shearing the cleanest fleeces," Remy added.

"We have been having races all day," Piotr pointed to a section of the room full of shorn sheep. "Mastermind is the timekeeper and official judge."

"He's what?" Magneto noticed Mastermind slumped in a chair positioned in front of the platform. "Mastermind? How did **you** get mixed up in all this?"

"It's my own fault," Mastermind sighed looking up at him. "I thought maybe going along with one of their stupid schemes would limit my pain compared to fighting them before they forced me into it anyway. So far I haven't noticed much of a difference."

"Oh geeze," Magneto groaned holding his head. "And I thought their antics with the armadillos were crazy!"

"Armadillos?" Mastermind blinked.

"Don't ask," Magneto moaned in recollection. "This is ridiculous! How in the world did they even come up with the idea of sheep-shearing in the first place? Where did they ever manage to learn how to shear sheep?"

"Oh, I used to shear sheep all the time when I was a tacker," Pyro grinned happily. "Every spring my fascist parents would dump me off at me Uncle Unkle's station where I'd hang out and help work it for a week or two."

"Your Uncle **Unkle**?" Magneto blinked.

"Yep," Pyro smiled. "Those were great times! Oh sure the days were long and the work was hard, but my Uncle Unkle treated me a lot better than my fascist parents ever did. They'd even forget to come back and pick me up. Come to think of it, they'd **always **forget to come back and pick me up! I always had to be brought back to them!"

"Gee, I wonder why?" Mastermind drawled.

"I used to shear sheep when I was younger too," Piotr spoke up. "One of our neighbors raised them. I would help out in the spring. And my sister always liked to play with the newly born lambs."

"And I suppose you learned how to shear sheep when **you** were a kid?" Magneto gave Remy a look.

"Nope. These two just taught me how to a few hours ago," Remy said indicating Piotr and Pyro. "It's pretty easy compared to some forms of lock-picking and when one has a high level of manual dexterity."

"Too bad none of you have a high level of **mental** dexterity!" Magneto snapped. "Where did you fools manage to find all these sheep in the first place? And why is that one's wool orange?"

"We 'liberated' them from a secret genetics laboratory," Remy explained while working on a sheep with emerald-green wool. "They'd been genetically modified to grow different colored wool so that fabric companies wouldn't have to bother with dyes."

"Yeah, these poor mutant sheep were being caged and exploited by their cruel human oppressors!" Pyro declared hugging a purple-wooled sheep. "It was our sacred duty to come to the aid of our fellow mutants and help set them all free!"

"Oh geeze!" Magneto moaned. "When I set out to form a team to help protect mutants from humans this is not what I had in mind! How did you ever manage to sneak all these sheep into the base?"

"We have our methods," Remy smirked knowingly. "Besides, it was surprisingly easy. All we needed were a few thousand gumdrops and some bungee cables..."

"Never mind! I don't want to know!" Magneto groaned holding his head. "Arrrgggh, I'm surprised Sabertooth hasn't been dragged into all this."

"Oh, he stopped by earlier and tried to make off with some sheep to have for a snack," Remy grinned. "But then he found out we also managed to 'liberate' a whole flock of genetically modified rams."

RUMMMBLE!

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth was heard screaming in the distance. "SOMEBODY GET THESE STUPID THINGS AWAY FROM ME! NO NOT THE KNEES! OW! OW! OW!"

CRASH!

SMASH!

WHAM!

"Oh no," Magneto moaned at the sounds of ramming, fighting, head-butting and destruction. "There goes the repair budget for the month. So much for balancing my finances. Why do I even bother with it? Why do I put up with these idiots? Why are they going to all the trouble of shearing sheep?"

"Because they need it," Pyro indicated their thick coats of wool. "Duh!"

"Ask a stupid question," Magneto groaned. "This has got to be one of the most ridiculous things you fools have ever come up with. And considering your track record that's saying something!"

"It's not ridiculous," Pyro huffed. "Sheep shearing is an old, noble practice that takes skill, endurance, gusto and speed. Only the best can shear a sheep in under a minute!"

"And I have to admit, it's actually pretty fun!" Remy finished shearing his sheep with a flourish. He stood up, let it loose and prepared to select another one. "_Out on the board the mutant shearer stands! Grasping his shears in his strong, mutant hands!_"

"Oh no, not the singing!" Magneto groaned holding his hands over his ears. "Why do they always have to be singing?"

"_Fixed is his gaze on a bare-bellied yoe!_" Remy grinned spotting one. "_Glory if he gets her, won't he make the ringer go!_"

"Pyro's been teaching them Australian folk songs again, hasn't he?" Magneto asked.

"Oh yeah," Mastermind moaned sinking into his seat. "And they've been singing them the whole darn day!"

"_Click go the shears, boys! Click, click, click!_" Remy, Piotr and Pyro sang happily. "_Wide is his blow and his hands move quick! The ringer looks around and is beaten by a blow! And he curses the ol' snagger with the bare-bellied yoe!_"

"What the heck is a snagger?" Magneto blinked in confusion. "For that matter, what the heck is a ringer?"

"I have no idea," Mastermind sighed. "And I don't want to know!"

"Hehehe!" Pyro giggled and pointed at Mastermind. "_In the middle of the floor in his cane-bottomed chair! Sits the boss of the board with his eyes everywhere!_"

"Let me guess, that's another reason why you decided to do this," Magneto looked at Mastermind.

"Yes," Mastermind admitted. "I couldn't resist finally being the boss of **something** around here!"

"_He notes well each fleece as it comes to the screen!_" Pyro finished shearing his sheep and dumped the newly shorn fleece in front of Mastermind. "_Paying strict attention that it's taken off clean!_"

"You have no idea what you're doing, do you?" Magneto asked.

"Nope, not a clue," Mastermind sighed.

"_Click go the shears, boys! Click, click, click!_" Piotr sang finishing with his sheep. He and Pyro quickly selected new ones. "_Wide is his blow and his hands move quick! The ringer looks around and is beaten by a blow! And he curses the ol' snagger with the bare-bellied yoe!_"

"Gahhh!" Sabertooth stumbled into the room bruised, bloodied and with his clothes heavily shredded. "I can't believe I survived...I can't believe I survived..."

"_The colonial-experience man, he's there of course!_" Pyro pointed at Sabertooth. "_With his shiny leggin's on, he's just off his horse!_"

"Huh?" Sabertooth gasped. "There's a horse in the base too?"

"There better not," Magneto warned dangerously.

"_He gazes all around him like a real connoisseur!_" Pyro picked up a nearby perfume bottle and quickly approached Sabertooth. "_Scented soap and brilliantine all oozing up his pores!_"

"AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth yelled as he was sprayed. "BLEAH! NOT THE LAVENDER-SCENTED AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOO!" He ran out of the room screaming.

"Well, that's one way to get him to smell better," Magneto sighed. "Too bad it never lasts."

"_And it's_ _click go the shears, boys! Click, click, click!_" The three younger Acolytes sang happily as Pyro returned to his sheep. "_Wide is his blow and his hands move quick! The ringer looks around and is beaten by a blow! And he curses the ol' snagger with the bare-bellied yoe!_"

"I know who **I'd** like to curse," Mastermind muttered. "In fact, I might as well start right now!"

"Oh yeah?" Remy smirked and gave Pyro a wink. "_The tar-boy is there, a-waiting in demand!_ W_ith his blackened tar-pot in his tarry mutant hand!_"

"Hey, what he is doing?" Mastermind gulped nervously as Pyro reached for a large tar-pot.

"_Spies one old sheep with a cut upon its back!_" Pyro grinned drawing back the pot. "_Hears what he's been waiting for, it's '__TAR__ HERE JACK!'_"

BLOOOP!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind screamed as he was covered in hot tar. "OH MY GOSH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro laughed tossing aside the empty pot. "_Click go the shears, boys! Click, click, click!_ _Wide is his blow and his hands move quick!_"

"Not quick enough," Magneto groaned as Mastermind ran around screaming.

_"The ringer looks around and is beaten by a blow!" _Remy and Pyro sang in unison._ "And he curses the ol' snagger with the bare-bellied yoe!_"

BAM! BAM! BAM!

"WILL SOMEBODY STOP THESE THINGS FROM RAMMING ME ALREADY?!" Sabertooth was heard yelling. "HEY, WATCH THE RIBS!"

CRUNCH!

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"_Now the shearing moves along while the sheep are relaxed!_" Piotr sang while positioning his sheep. "_When the board it is swept and the tallies they are maxed!_"

"My **patience** has been maxed out from all this stupidity!" Magneto glared at him. "I want these wooly mutton chops out of my base and I mean **now**!"

"_We'll shear up all the sheep and then we'll set 'em free!_" Pyro giggled happily. "_At Xavier's, at the high school and all over the city!_"

"Yeah, why not? Might as well spread the pain around," Magneto grumbled. "If I have to suffer from all this, so will everyone else!"

"_And it's click go the shears, boys! Click, click, click!_" Remy, Pyro and Piotr chanted as they worked. "_Wide is his blow and his hands move quick! The ringer looks around and is beaten by a blow! And he curses the ol' snagger with the bare-bellied yoe!_"

"YAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind ran by still covered in tar.

"Get away from my uniform you animals!" Magneto roared as the flock of sheep began to crowd around him. "And stop nibbling at my cape!"

"Hahaha!" Remy laughed and indicated Magneto. "_Down in the pen the boss does a dance! While sheep herd around and nip at his pants!_"

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Magneto yelped. "NO NOT THERE!"

RIIIPPPPPP!

"AUGGGHHH!"

"_He bumps into the pile holding every skirted fleece!_" Pyro narrated as Magneto did so. "_Finding out first-hand they were all shorn off in the grease!_"

WHUMP!

"OH MY GOSH THIS IS DISGUSTING!" Magneto shrieked and began to twitch uncontrollably. "GAAAHHH! THE SMELL! THE SMELL!"

"_Click go the shears, boys! Click, click, click!_" The three younger Acolytes sang out loud. "_Wide is his blow and his hands move quick! The ringer looks around and is beaten by a blow! And he curses the ol' snagger with the bare-bellied yoe!_"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Sabertooth wailed painfully.

"YEEEOOOW!" Magneto yelped as he was continually mobbed by sheep. "YOU STUPID LAMB CHOPS! STOP KICKING ME IN THE HEAD! OW!"

"_There we leave him standing, shouting till cut-out!_" Pyro smiled at Magneto's predicament. "_Whilst all around him cobblers run about!_"

BAAAAAAH!

Sheep continued to torment the three elder Acolytes.

"_We'll keep running tallies till the shearing is all done!_" Remy smirked working his shears. "_We work hard, we play hard, and make it all fun!_"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mastermind ran by now being chased by several sheep. "HELP! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!"

"_Click go the shears boys! Click, click, click!_" Remy, Pyro and Piotr sang as the chaos continued around them. "_Wide is his blow and his hands move quick! The ringer looks around and is beaten by a blow! And he curses the ol' snagger with the bare-bellied yoe!_"

CRASH!

SMASH!

CRUNCH!

"AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed as he was finally overwhelmed by sheep.

BAAAAAAH!

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro laughed in delight. "Ya gotta love it!"**  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Click Go the Shears".**


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